Oh Christmas Tree

I picked up my little friend today from her school and gave her a ride to her babysitter. She gave me an update about her life.

She asked me if I had a Christmas tree yet, and I told her not yet. She mentioned how in art class they made decorations for the Christmas tree at her school. And then she told me about how she decorated the Christmas tree with her mom the night before and watered it. And she asked if I remembered the wooden decorations from last year that kept breaking because the glue was old. I told her yes, I remember quite fondly decorating the Christmas last year with her and her mother. My car smelled like pine for quite a while after transporting the tree. We cut up snowflakes and taped them all over a bunch of window panes. Casey (aka Fat Cat) broke a couple bulbs when she with her massive girth would attempt to drink water out of the tree holder.

I held back my tears until after I dropped her off. I felt like my heart was turning itself inside out.

Going to work was the last thing I wanted to do today yet it was the only I had to do.

It was wished upon me before I left my girls that I "find peace" with my "decision" to leave. I haven't found it yet. I haven't found much of anything yet...I feel like the only thing I have found out about myself is that I am lost, and being lost is a very lonely place to be.