162

Hup hup!

18 down
17 more to go!

It's amazing what a little frustration can do. It took a while for this 5 pounds to come off though.

Hopefully I can add some snowboarding to my routine soon...stupid global warming!

From the Mix Tape Master

Sick of Me
by Ani Difranco

how sick of me
must you be
by now
while you're standing just outside
of what your pride will allow
always reaching into yourself
to find a new way to understand me
when i'm sure that there's no one else
in the world
who could withstand me

the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear

i took to the stage
with my outrage
in the bad old days
when you were the make-me-mad guy
but the songs
they come out more slowly
now that i am the bad guy
and i say, i'm sorry i'm so crazy
I am astounded by your patience
and you say, believe it or not, baby
the joy you bring me
still outweighs it

the first person in your life
to ever really matter
is saying the last thing
that you want to hear
and you are listening hard
through the splintering shards
of your life as it shatters
and you're standing firm
and you're staying close
and you're seeing clear

how sick of me
must you be
by now?

Past, Present, Future

I wrote this way back on February 21st of this year but I never showed it to anyone. My feelings were not particularly a big priority last winter. Finding it in my list of draft posts made me realize that I've been alone for a lot longer than just the past three months.

Past, Present, Future
I live in the present
You dwell in the past, and worry about the future.
We are a full spectrum representation of time.

If I bleed, will you wake up and be "here"
here as in the present, in the now, in the know.

You speak in "me" "my" "mine",
I speak in "us" "our" "ours".

Self-absorption mixed with self-help
Makes it easy to ignore the little things.
I can't ignore the little things.
I excel in little things.

I put on a nice shirt, curl my hair, and brush on a bit of blush.
I didn't do it for a reaction...I did it for you
But a reaction was implied
And it was your reaction that I was denied.

I know you see this face every morning,
But it is that commonplace
That you don't see whatever you saw in me
in the first place?

12 months later I wake up beside you
and my heart still skips a beat

Only In the Past

by the Be Good Tanyas

run away to the seashore
it doesn't matter anymore
it doesn't matter anymore
words dry up and fly away
with the passing of the days
eventually you just let the stone fall

i dreamed that i saw you you were down at the corner store
you were looking thru magazines and you flew out the door
i was trying to wave to you but you wouldn't wave back
now you know i understand you're with me only in the past
only in the past

my palms are not open they're closed they're closed
my palms are not open they're closed they're closed

colours streak the sky
we laugh and we cry
and we dance in the cool grass
with the fireflies
we dance in the cool grass
sunset birds
sweet sweet music
swallow our words
you set sail and you left this town
run away run away you're so far from me now
so far from me now

run away to the seashore it doesn't matter anymore it
doesn't matter anymore

I dreamed that I saw you you were down at the corner store
You were looking through magazines and you flew out the door
I was trying to wave to you but you wouldn't wave back
Now you know I understand you're with me only in the past
Only in the past

Oh Christmas Tree

I picked up my little friend today from her school and gave her a ride to her babysitter. She gave me an update about her life.

She asked me if I had a Christmas tree yet, and I told her not yet. She mentioned how in art class they made decorations for the Christmas tree at her school. And then she told me about how she decorated the Christmas tree with her mom the night before and watered it. And she asked if I remembered the wooden decorations from last year that kept breaking because the glue was old. I told her yes, I remember quite fondly decorating the Christmas last year with her and her mother. My car smelled like pine for quite a while after transporting the tree. We cut up snowflakes and taped them all over a bunch of window panes. Casey (aka Fat Cat) broke a couple bulbs when she with her massive girth would attempt to drink water out of the tree holder.

I held back my tears until after I dropped her off. I felt like my heart was turning itself inside out.

Going to work was the last thing I wanted to do today yet it was the only I had to do.

It was wished upon me before I left my girls that I "find peace" with my "decision" to leave. I haven't found it yet. I haven't found much of anything yet...I feel like the only thing I have found out about myself is that I am lost, and being lost is a very lonely place to be.